Kiss of Life

[Posted in 4 parts on Sylvia's character blog]

Neil had always told her running helped him think.

So Syl ran.

She needed to think.

Or not think.

She wasn't quite sure.

She had been swinging from auto-pilot to emotional wreck and back again since her brother disappeared underneath the waves almost a week ago. It was like her head and heart weren't anchored anymore and drifted off on a whim. And it was driving her crazy.

Flying all the way back to Rio just for a run was proof enough to herself that she was losing it. It would have made more sense to run in South Africa or Turkey or any of the other places she was about to play a show in, but it had to be here. Maybe this was her way to subconsciously say good-bye.

Another storm had blown in, leaving the beach all to Syl. The wind wasn't so fierce or the rain too harsh, but it was still unpleasant for the average sun-worshipper. Or the average person, period.

At least with the tropical temperature, it was a warm kind of rain; it lacked the cruel, icy bite of the rain that she was so used to growing up with in the chill Canadian climate. She found it strangely refreshing to know rain wasn't always bone-numbingly cold and to have the validation of that knowledge trickling down her skin.

Still, it was horrid weather to be running in.

The whisper of the sand under her shoes seemed muted and lonely amid the pattering of the rain on the sea and shore. On a day like this, she would have slept in. It would have taken Cowboy to drag her out of bed to run in this weather. Now running beside the ocean that had taken him was probably the closest she'd ever get to spending time with him again. In a sense, he had still managed to get her ass out on a run, even beyond what was likely his watery grave.

She shook her head, reminding herself there was no proof he was really dead, though she knew the longer it took to find him, the less likely he would be found alive.

Brushing aside a stray lock of wet hair, she watched the ocean waves rise and fall in monstrous motions on the horizon. She wondered what her brother had been thinking when he had seen the waves like that a week ago.

As she continued to run, she saw something ahead of her, beached and unmoving in the distance. She strained to make it out through the rain as she approached. It was actually two things, she realized as she got closer. A lost surf board that had washed up on shore, and...

Her heart stopped, and she sprinted the rest of the distance to the motionless human body lying in the sand.

She wondered if it was cruel to hope this was some other poor soul the ocean had regurgitated back onto land, and not the friend she considered her brother. As faint a hope as it was, if his body was never recovered, everyone could still grasp at the slim chance that he was alive somewhere out there like a lifeline to prevent the rest of them from drowning in despair. But that was probably unhealthy and delusional. Some final and definite closure would be better for all.

She skidded to a stop and knelt beside the body, holding her breath. He was bloodied and battered, face-down in the sand. Gently, she turned him over.

Tears welled up in her eyes at the sight of the familiar face.

"Oh, my, god," The words escaped her lips in a slow breath. "Neil."

She cupped his face gently in her hands, his skin pale and cold to the touch. She bit her lip to hold back a sob. Hoping he wasn't dead, she leaned her face closer to his to try to feel his breath.

The only air she felt was the wind. He wasn't breathing.

Faced with what everyone had been dreading, she began to weep uncontrollably as rain washed over both of them, and buried her face in his chest. Apparently, she had found that final closure and it hurt like hell.

As she cried, she suddenly felt something. Or heard something. Or maybe in her distress, she was just imagining things. She wasn't sure.

Straightening, she wiped away her tears and bit back another sob. Then she leaned forward again. Placing her ear on his bare chest, she tried to find what she thought she had heard the first time: the beat of his heart.

After a moment, she thought she found it. She barely recognized it. It was slow, weak. Nothing like the strong, solid drum she remembered hearing all those times he held her when she cried.

"Neil. Please hang in there. Please don't die."

She had never actually done this before. She'd only read about it in a First Aid textbook once and even then she hadn't been really paying attention to the details. Besides, the person performing this procedure was supposed to be calm. She was hardly calm; she was ready to break down and start crying again.

But with the storm, the beach was deserted. No one else was around. She had to try.

With shaking hands, she tilted his head back. As she pinched his nose, she sealed her mouth around his parted lips and tried to breath into him.

Her first breaths were too short, stunted from her sobbing. She doubted they were strong enough to have any effect. Pausing, she took a deep breath, as much to steady herself as to take in as much air as possible, and tried again.

Tears and rainwater ran down her face, as she fed her breath into his lungs. From the corner of her eye, she could see his chest rise and fall with each breath she gave him. It was only reassuring until she stopped to rest.

When she paused, he was as lifeless as when she first found him, like a broken puppet that only moved if someone was there to give it life. Or pretend to give it life. She shuttered and told herself he wasn't gone yet. He was close, too close, but not gone yet.

"God, Neil. I've already lost Cabot. I can't lose you too." She held back another sob before meeting his lips with hers again.

She lost track of how many times she repeated this cycle. Breathing into him. Crying. Telling him to come back, to wake up, to not leave her. Then breathing again.

"Please, Neil. Don't die. Please." Her voice became hoarse from the effort, her lungs hurt from the strain.

She shivered at the thought of losing her brother, the last person she knew truly cared about her, and pressed her lips against his again.